Moving On

I have been more or less told that I should move on from He Who Must Not Be Named. So that is what I’m going to do. Make it easy on him. I spent a few weeks debating with myself about how I felt about Him, and I had just come to a decision…at that point it turns out he had come to the polar opposite of that decision.

I thought that even though there were 100 reasons that we shouldn’t be together; the distance, the fact that he’ll be going travelling for months on end, or that he has the capacity to devastate me, I decided that he also can make me happier than anyone else I’ve even known. I thought I’d see what He thought. See if maybe we could start up something casual, unofficial, a little more than our warped friendship.  But I got cut off before I could say a word. He warned me not to say anything that i might regret or that I might need a hug for. We then went into our completely analogous way of speaking and I found out that though he’d been going through a similar thought process but decided that he couldn’t cope with being hurt this much again.

So the best things that could come of this; the continued friendship, someone for hugs, someone to share good and bad news with, someone to laugh so much with and of course the great sex. The weekend we spent together was an example of that. Just easiness and happiness which I know He can’t deny.

In the end He believed the potential for hurt wasn’t worth the happiness that may not last while I had decided that the happiness for however long was worth the potential for hurt.

Which leaves me with no choice. I can’t hurt Him. I can’t ask that He risks being hurt because of me. So I shall be a saint. Steer clear from any conversations that would be construed as me trying it on. I don’t want to lose his friendship even if it’s not quite the form I wish it was. As for moving on. I’ll do that as and when I feel like it!

Nothing but Underwear

One of my friends has a deal with her ex that if she ever breaks up with her current boyfriend that she will turn up on his doorstep in nothing but a trench coat and underwear.

I thought I’d steal this idea for myself and the mini reunion I had with Carrot!

Imagine this

Sexy underwear underneath a long coat

I was so nervous and excited when I was getting ready for my journey. I slid into my red matching bra and french knickers and then, as an after thought slipped into my red lace topped stockings and matching suspender belt. I was ready.

I wrapped my coat sensuously around me and got up to go. A quick (and terrifying) pitstop at the petrol station where my stockings seemed determined to work their way into view and I was on my way up the motorway.

It was exhilirating. The thought that lorry drivers looking down into the car might be able to catch a glimpse of leg and stockings. Or when I stopped right next to a bus stop at one point and had to quickly rearrange my coat to be more covering. Or when I stopped for a quick break at a service station and getting out into a busy carpark. But 170 miles later and I arrived on Carrot’s doorstep in my high heeled stilettos, ready for the weekend to begin.

After a deep kiss on greeting I kept my coat on as Carrot gave me a tour of the house, ending in the guest room where we would be sleeping that night. Here he finally offered to take my coat. ‘You forgot your clothes’ he tells me. I’m uncertain whether he approves  at first but he draws me in for a kiss before throwing me onto the bed. Pinning me down he kisses me hard and runs his hands all over my bodys, feeling the suspenders and the top of my stockings.  I pull at his clothes to get him naked and he sucks my breasts and my nipples and rubbing the crotch of my knickers with the palm of his hand knowing how much I love it.

This was just the start of an incredible weekend!

I would do it again in a heartbeat….though I may be tempted to take it one step further :p

Set myself up

I’m worried now about setting myself up for a fall.

I have 2 issues. I want to give the Voice a chance but he’s already let me down, he’s already convincing me that he’s a bad idea. But I have to know. I’ve spent months with an idle crush on this guy. But I can’t see anything really happening with him beyond a friendly meet up.

My second issue I’m going to keep quiet but let’s just say it confuses me more and if I confess it to the relevant person I am almost guaranteed to be shot down in a blast of logic and sensibleness. But everyone knows that logic never applies to feelings! There I’m definitely setting myself up to be hurt.

So what’s the answer?

Be careful all my life in case I get hurt?

Weigh up the pros and cons before I make a decision and worry all my life that I’m missing out?

Go for it and screw the consequences?

Help!

 

On the brink

I haven’t been in this position for a long time. In the flirting stage where you are on the brink of something happening. But it’s got to the point now where I’m bored. It’s been going on too long in this same state of idle interest in each others lives. The almost meeting but not having the time to. So now I’m at the point where I just want to get it over and done with. I’m not too interested in them anymore, but I’ve spent so long having the stupid crush that I think it’d be a waste to not meet them at all. All the little things that were putting me off the Voice in the first place are building up. The things that attracted me are being buried. So I’m on the brink. On the brink of moving on from a relationship I’ve never had.

Sunday Morning

‘Sunday morning rain is pouring, steal some covers share some skin’ I love this song by Maroon 5. The whole song sums up my last Sunday morning where I finished off a delightful weekend with Carrot.

The way the whole thing came about is complicated, but I think we both decided to make a proper weekend of it as it is quite likely to be the last time in a long while that we will get to be together in that way. But that’s another post entirely.

So what did Carrot and I get up to? Plenty of things to make my body quiver and his cock twitch. I could start with how I drove 170miles up the motorway in my underwear and stockings and just a coat on top. I could tell you how Carrot’s tongue delved where it’s never delved before. I could talk about my introduction to a new type of double penetration. Or how Carrot made me come in a way that suprised me entirely. All these things I can…and probably will write about soon. But what I really want to talk about is Sunday morning.

I woke up after an exhausting night to gale force winds and rain pounding on the window. I turned sleepily to see Carrot beside me fast asleep cacooned in his duvet. I nearly burst out laughing when I realised that my tossing and turning and duvet stealing habits had forced him to venture out in the middle of the night get his duvet from his bedroom to bring to the guest room. It made my stomach lurch when I realised how much I had missed this. The happy side of our life. When I had lost my inhibitions and stopped treating Carrot with suspicion. When Carrot made the effort to make me feel so good about myself. So that the sex was great, and the in between bits wasn’t strained.

I woke Carrot up with frequent kisses and caresses until he was eventually awake enough to pull me on top of him. We were grinding against each other and kissing each other deeply. We would then rest and snuggle against each other. Playing a marathon game of eye-spy where we would lock the guesser in an embrace, not allowing them to move until they had guessed correctly. We played such games, stopping to tussle and wrestle. Carrot trying to distract me by sliding his fingers into me. Lazily manouvering into a 69 position until we were both on the very brink of orgasm.

But the thing that got me was that we finally decided we were hungry at 3pm! We had been so wrapped up in one another that we had missed breakfast and lunch entirely.

The whole weekend made me realise something. Not that I could ever tell Carrot this.

I do love him.

Not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. But the way that I love my closest friends. It’s not the sex that reminds me of this. It’s the easy hug, the teasing and idiotic games. It’s being read to sleep and being kissed tenderly on the forehead. It’s the conceding to the fact that this is over and not making a fuss or deal of it, just the unspoken agreement to make this time worthwhile.

Time to move on now. But I’m estatic to have ended things on such a happy note. Stay posted from more from this weekend and hopefully something completely new and different

xxx

Dining Room Shenanigans

This is a quick post about a little conversation Carrot and I had last night. It was just a suprise how well this flowed when he said it. We have so many what ifs about that half week and this is one of them. Carrot told me:

It would probably be on the last day i was down when you’d headed down to get breakfast and instead of being Miss Tidy you were a bit less so. Instead of going for my boxers and jeans I instead selected the black thong, stockings, suspenders and your pink corset to wear. Heading down stairs I slip into your knee high boots that were carelessly at the bottom there so when you came back from the conservatory with juice in hand in your dressing gown I was stood there you would then be pushed over the table so you were sprawled on your front, obviously letting the juice fly somewhere you’d then feel the dressing gown torn up and feel me enter you straight away fast and vigorously thrusting in behind you.

The conclusion of this event was a rather breath taking orgasm just to let you know!

There for me

Not my usual self but this is a forum for my deepest thoughts isn’t it?

I realised today that what I miss most about being in a relationship with someone is that unspoken agreement that whatever the other person says is to be considered important. Or, that there is someone in your life who will put you first as often as you will put them first.

I’m the mother, the carer, the one everyone turns to in their moment of crisis. The one who will willingly go to the ends of the earth to comfort a loved one. My comparison would be that I’m a masseuse who is particularly adept at soothing away lifes little stresses and worries. However i’m a masseuse who is sorely in need of a massage, and it’s difficult to reach all of those spots that need kneading.

What has triggered this off?

Family. Friends. Lovers. Workmates. You name it.

I don’t want you to get me wrong, I never resent comforting my friends. I want them to be happy and I’m good at listening and analysing and comforting. There is a part of me that thinks that, in calming them, somehow I’m absorbing the negative energy myself. What’s more, my sanctuary, my home, my haven away from the stresses of life has ceased to be such. It has become a place where with the arrival of my sister to stay for the week my back knots up into a thousand ball bearings. Where the arrival of my father home from work is a tentative foray into either relaxing or taking on his burdens. Where my lowly worries get buried away from the surface so as not to encumber anyone else. God forbid that I should make life more difficult for them. Which is a foul thing to say. It’s not that they don’t care. It’s that it just doesn’t occur to people to worry about me. I’m too capable, too dependable, too happy, too much of the carer.

What’s more, I don’t want to share it with anyone here. It’s a bizarre thing to say but I don’t want to confess why I’m becoming more and more depressed to the friends I see so often. I don’t want them looking at me next time I see them checking I’m not about to break down. I have four people I can think of who I want to turn to right now. Three people who know nearly everything that has happened over this last year. One I can’t, or at least I don’t see how I can. I just want to speak to Carrot so badly, in a purely selfish way. Because I know that as unsympathetic as he professes to being, he cared deeply about me, enough to listen and want to comfort me. Enough to rub my shoulders, literally soothing my pain. But I can’t. I can’t put that on him. I just wish he could phone me, message me, something, in that intuitive way he once had, and ask if i’m okay, or just hug me silently until I was ready to confide. Or demand that I tell him. But I doubt he’d see that as a role for him as my friend. My other confidante would be the lovely Bambi. I’ve held nothing back from that woman in my life. Nothing. She is fantastic at insisting on me explaining why I’m so upset. But I don’t want to do that to her. Not again. Not with this. She would know exactly what to say but I just don’t feel I can face seeing her. There is my lovely small blonde friend who again instinctively knows when I’m upset but I can’t face her form of comforting, and comparative stories, and that it’ll inevitably become about her. Which leaves my aunt. My own personal Nanny Ogg. The one person who knows to check if I’m okay when the rest of my family is falling apart or not able to help me. But it’s too much to ask of her right now. There is so much going on in the family that I can’t talk to any of them anymore.

So who do I turn to now? Or do I just try and sate myself by writing here. Is this enough catharsis for me?

Flirting with the unknown

I’m in a bit of a dilemma at the moment.

I like a guy who in so many ways is unsuitable for me. He lives too far away. He is quite a bit older than me (but still within the (age/2 +7) rule. He has a kid. We have little in common. We have never met!

But there is a certain je ne sais quoi about the whole thing. I’ve spoken to him loads since he worked at another store from me (imagine if you will a certain Gavin and Stacey quality to our chatting) we get on so well, we cheer each other up. I finally built up the courage to suggest keeping in touch outside of work and we’ve been texting ever since, it’s nice to have someone show so much interest in me. It’s fun to be cheeky and flirty without going too far. I like that I can tell that the Voice is trying to ask me out but keeps retracting the offers because he’s so paranoid of scaring me off.

So my problem is thus: Do I preempt the Voice and ask him out, without the taking it back? Do I wait to see if he ever asks me out himself? Do I even want me or him to do so?!

I have an immense fear that one or both of us will be disappointed if we meet. I’m a fairly confident person with people I’m good friends with, or with complete strangers. I struggle with the inbetweens. The people who I want to impress but I’m not sure I’m capable of doing so. Or worse, the people who obviously have a preconceived idea of what I’m like

So do I take the leap?

What’s the worse that can happen?

Friends are Complicated

I have some very good friends who I can tell a lot to. Obviously different friends you can tell different things. But it still amazes me how different my friends are when I’m talking to them about sex. Especially how closed minded some can be.

For example, I was having a picnic with a couple of friends today and the conversation turned to sex. By the end of it I was rather bemused. For a starters both declared that they don’t particularly enjoy giving or receiving oral sex. Now giving is half way understandably as it’s a very intimate thing to do and could be a bit uncomfortable. Personally I enjoy it a lot. I think Carrot was amused by how I would happily be constantly stroking or sucking on his cock. The receiving oral sex though I consider scandalous! I comfort myself in knowing that it must mean they haven’t had anyone as skilled as I have. Aghast! That’s the word I was looking for. I was aghast that they didn’t like oral sex at all. Both said if asked to give a blowjob they would, but half heartedly. How on earth can you do a good job that way. I shake my head in despair. The other thing that came up in particular today was anal. They  both said that it was something they’d never do. I know that a lot of people don’t enjoy it but it boggles my mind how completely closed minded they are to it. They seemed terribly shocked to find out that i had done it and enjoyed it. Good job they don’t know what else Carrot and I used to get up to!

I have other friends who I talk about sex with but because I consider her so much older and wiser I never let on that I’ve done anything remotely kinky. I fear her judgement more than anyone else I know. It’s not because she would judge me. But more because I know she thinks of me as a little sister almost and I kind of want her to keep thinking that.

Then there are the friends I could tell absolutely anything to and they would do the same. Not that I would reveal anything that I know Carrot wouldn’t want anyone else to know. But we tell each other things in great detail, get ideas from each other and have an unbelievably honest friendship.

The question is…does that make the first two types of friends any less worthwhile?

New Move

There was a move that Carrot and I did that felt better than any I’d ever felt before. It was a variation of the missionary, but some angle was new. That angle was enough to drive me to the brink of climax alone. We just had no idea of what was different. The way to describe it was that Carrot’s cock was rubbing along the bottom of the entrance of my vagina a lot more and apparently that is a very sensitive area. I just wish I knew how he got there. No pillows or other props were involved. I suspect he was lower down than usual.

I’m just annoyed that I have found a move that we could both comfortably maintain that sent me insanely wild but I don’t know how!!